Of letting go.

I ended my exams yesterday. It’s my last exam ever in NUS and it’s my last exam for my masters course as well. I still have modules next sem, but they aint exam-based (s/u ftw).

Today, I woke up and decided to clean my room. I didn’t intend it to be a big spring cleaning, but it ended up being one. Possibly the largest spring cleaning that I’ve ever done in my whole 23 years of my life.

I threw away many things. My secondary school – JC notes (omg so many). I even started giving away my Jerry Yan and Fei lun hai albums/pictorial books that I had collected over the years (yes, shit got real). But I think the hardest of all was that I gave away some of my soft toys.

Those soft toys were the same ones that have kept me safe during the stormiest nights throughout my entire life. They’ve witnessed everything in my life, good and bad. I talk to them and tell them my secrets. Some have been there since I was 4 years old. They all have names and they’re all loved. A few of them were given by important friends.

I grow attach to my things very easily. Pens, paper, notebooks. So you can imagine how attached I am to my soft toys. I felt like I was ready to give them away today. 1) The boyfriend is sensitive to dust and my soft toys are dust magnets, 2) I dont feel like I need them to feel safe anymore, and 3) the recent bto thing got me thinking about what I will bring to my future home. So my criteria today was pretty much, if you’re not bringing it when you shift, get rid of it because the longer you keep, the more attached you get.

My soft toys are the first thing I see when I enter my room, so now my room feels a little bare. I was okay when I put them into the plastic bags to be donated. The boyfriend told me he’ll hold my hand when I gave them away, but I didnt think I will be all that sad. After all, I’m 23 years old now, not 6 anymore.

But then it turns out that he knows me better than I do. About 10 hrs later (yes tidying took 11 freaking hours), I was clearing my smaller soft toys (yes, two kinds) and deciding which I wanted to give away. I picked up this pink flamingo beanie baby and initially I had wanted to put it in, but then I ended up taking it back. Suddenly, I felt like I was going to get emotional giving them away. I used to kiss the stuff and tell them thank you (even pens and whatnots). So, I regretted not hugging them and telling them thank you before putting them into the plastic bags.

I texted the boyfriend because I was feeling a little sobbles and I’m glad he’s understanding that way. I told him I was worried the soft toys will be sad. I’m grateful that he didn’t think I was being silly or childish. Instead, he told me he’ll talk to them with me and say bye before we donated them. I went back to the plastic bags that were already in the living room and I sat next to them. I whispered to the bags (lest anyone in my family thinks…or realises… I’m crazy). I told them thanks for keeping me safe all these years and comforting me when I needed it most. I told them that they brought me a lot of joy.I told them sorry for all the times I kicked them out of bed or mistreated them. I told them not to worry because Jet will take care of me now. I told them that they’ll be going to people who love them and will play with them more.

I think it wasnt my soft toys that were sad, I think it was me being emotional because I felt like I was bidding this part of me goodbye. It felt like I was moving on to the scary world of adulthood and that these soft toys will no longer watch over me and protect me because I can do it myself now.

Now that I’m thinking about this, I cannot imagine the day when I have to say bye to neoneo and carpet. The things I love that I know are actually alive. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. But that’s a worry for another day. I wish I were less sentimental and attached to things.

Today, I’m just feeling a little disorientated because I’m starting to realise that there are many things that aren’t there anymore (not just my soft toys). But it’s time to create new memories, accumulate new things and look forward to the future.

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