Long post ahead that sums up my JC life.
I really have no idea how to start this post. Just so that it wont end on a bad note, I shall start this post with something else that’s not so pleasant. Haha, though my results are no where near straight As, I feel like I topped singapore or something. That’s how happy I am. But, of course in everything, there’s always a downside to it…and there are some people who arent very happy with my grades. I was feeling rather down last night. I don’t know if I it’s cause I was tired or if it was cause I seriously felt so upset. but after talking to shienling and B, I felt much better.
Like what B says,
So instead of thinking about people who can’t be happy for me, I’ll appreciate those that are genuinely happy and celebrate for me (:
I was too shocked and my results didnt really set in until Weile told me that I was eligible for church’s AE prize. Few months back when pastor said that every A level student who makes it to uni will get an encouragement of 100 bucks, I was all like, sian I wont get it this time. But on the way home from malaysia on the bus, I had this overwhelming feeling. It was this “it was all worth it feeling”
The moment I got the A levels grades in my hands, in my mind I knew I couldnt have done it without God. Well, I did acknowledge God once I get the result, but instead of a “thank you God!” it came out as a “OH MY GOSH!”
Even factoring out the drama of last year during prelims and all that, this miracle couldnt have happened without God. The day before the results I was thinking to myself whether I would regret putting in so much effort trying to help people and putting up with their nonsense when i could just turn my back on them during these 2 years of JC and during the A level period. I was thinking if I had done badly, would I take it all back and wished that i had used the time to be selfish and just study. In short, i was asking whether it was all worth it. I made a decision that no matter what grade I got, I’m not going to blame them cause it was my decision. and now, I’m really glad that God has allow me to finish it the way I want to, without compromising my integrity and staying true to myself.
Now, I’m not being naive and saying that it’s only God alone and I have done no studying. I studied my ass off. like the hardest i ever have in my life but I acknowledge that my studying wouldnt be enough without the people and events that have been placed in my path to direct me to the right path and keep me going. I’m really blessed and I wouldnt even try to deny it or hide it. I’ve always said when I was younger that I’m a lucky person. But I know it’s not luck. I’m fortunate and I’m blessed and I’m very grateful for that. I look at my road and how I’ve come thus far and I see God’s hand at every turn and every little decision or event in my life.
I look back at this journey and I see the pieces fitting together. The decision to go CJC, which wouldnt have even been in my mind if Mr ong hadnt encouraged me to try JC out.
I thought about how shienling and I would sit in class and think if our efforts were worth it and think about how stupid we felt.
I thought about how I felt after international history paper. I remembered I came out in tears because I felt like I was going to fail and that I had let everyone who believed in me down. (funny how so many thoughts can hit u during an exam). I went home and cried for two days (thank God I didnt have a paper the next day) I really felt like giving up. I didnt even bother studying for my next paper (lit 1) I remember sitting at the swimming pool and just crying and telling God, “I have nothing left, I’m just going to rely on You from here on to just help me finish this race.” I remembered the feeling that I got reminding me that I came to CJ for a purpose and that the grades “AAB/AB” ,which i stuck on my wall since J1, wasnt put in my heart for nothing. But at that time it was too late. It was already one day before lit 1 and I hadnt studied yet. So i made a desperate prayer. I said, “God, I dont have much time, just tell me what to study.” Then I just went and study ONE essay on Lucy. It was freaking risky. I dont know what gave me the balls to go for it… but I studied Lucy and went to bed. And it came out for exam the next day. It was a freaking miracle.
oh yes, another study miracle. Every time i studied, I’ll pray, “God, let me study the things that are coming out so that I wont waste my time and memory space… i only have 2gb left for history” and funnily, I accidentally omitted SBQ like the whole UN chapter… i panicked of course like a few days before… but I decided to heck it. In the end… it didnt come out for SBQ. instead, some no need contextual knowledge SBQ came out.
For lit, having eugene as a friend is a miracle. He seriously helped me like crazy for lit 5 comparison like 2 days before exam. I had no idea how to write a proper essay. he saved my sorry lit ass.
-> Results: History got an A and Lit got a B.
Another was Econs which I left 11 marks on my case study completely blank because I was just that terrified that I zoned out. (like on the viking ride). Then on the essay paper, I wasted 20 mins on an essay i threw away. On top of that, I covered half the question I was doing and ended up not answering the full question,… <- i honestly felt like killing myself after i realised that. Econs was a shocker because I emerged with an A when I honestly felt like I had done terrible and didnt even deserve a C. Whenever people asked me about A levels results, first thing that came to my mind was… econs…sian.
My GP was quite a disappointment although I was still quite happy it didnt go below a B. After all, I totally dont deserve an A after that #likearoman crap and the super mario essay.
Getting this results really feel like it’s all worth it. like “it all paid off” nothing feels more rewarding. I feel I’m not being shortchanged and life is gonna get better. Nothing beats the feeling of pure hope. I honestly never thought I’ll get into NUS or local U for that matter. I know I dont deserve this grace, but that’s what makes this experience all the more humbling and fulfilling. It might not make sense to you, but it does to me. kinda sorta, in a way.
When Ms ana hugged me after my results, she told me, “Luckily you didnt give up”
And yea, I’m grateful for everyone who stopped me from giving up. (in no order)
- Mr Ong who has continually encouraged me since sec 3 all the way until after prelims he still believed that I could make it to NUS when I was failing like nobody’s business. “Never, never, never give up”
- Weile who encouraged me during the study period. She told me it really wasnt as difficult as I thought. She played a huge part in picking me up when I was in a mess. Talked to me on the phone for hours, cycled with me, watch me burst into tears, console me after history…
- Ms ana who really saved me after CTs and after history paper when I was crying like wth. I cant say enough how she pulled me through after CTs. Haha although it was just a little word of advice, it made me think a lot.
- My sec school friends who consoled me after history paper (in fact they were cursing and swearing at me when they knew my results, “walao, cry cry cry… in the end also ok”)
- Shienling, Heleyna and Christine for being my best buds in school (and fending off certain helicopters)
- Mr chong haha even this guy. he helped me a lot i would say… esp after prelims when I couldnt study anymore. I remember him asking me to stay strong and stop thinking. Haha his advice did work after all I guess. Hahaha. He helped me with the surgery crap and all. plus, though he’s naggy, he’s really nice lah -> anyone who entertains my friend is nice okay.
- My wonderful seniors Guolian who constantly encourages me although I know she’s going shit herself. She’s just really reassuring. Haha and ruth who once told me “Dont look down on yourself just because you’re from clementi town and others are from a better school….”
- JERRY YAN – For just existing and giving me motivation to get through my exams
- my teachers of course -> esp mr seah who crazily spent like 6 hours in consult and mr lim who met us outside for consult. <- dedicated teachers.
- Ru -> the best sister in the world for taking the role of the parent who goes for my PTM
- My parents – dont even need to explain haha. -> paying fees and driving me around
- David Chu – after history paper
- Juniors – always being sweet.
- My classmates -> those that nag at me, those that believed in me, those that taught me, those that encouraged me
- My friends -> bestie for always being there for me, travelling down to CJ, making me laugh when I’m down, hearing me complain about random people. L for studying with me, cheering me up, training my self discipline, getting me to at least exercise once a week during exams. Those that consoled me during history paper. Those that sent me essays. Those that convinced me i’ll be a blackhorse again.
- My tuition friend ,Kenneth, who recommended me my maths tutor who saved my sorry ass and improved my grade within 3 months. I was getting U and S for prelims and everything.
- Friends who are always genuinely happy for me
- Bryan for carrying my stuff HAHA.
- My doctors who are incredibly understanding and allow me to shift my appt time like some tetris blocks
- SO MANY MORE PEOPLE! THE LIST GOES ON!!!!
Things I’ve learnt from this experience:
- Rely on God and trust in His plans.
- Dont be stupid
- Dont think you’re stupid
- Dont be affected by others so much
- Believe you’re not that stupid. -> I was just telling myself that I should believe in myself more after collecting results when mr chong asked me why i dont take fass. I said, “scared must compete for psych” and then he said “no confidence ar?” then I was like “yea duh!” <- need to work on that or else I’m gonna be miserable in uni
- Never wear long sleeves shirt to CJ
Haha, in O levels, a miracle happened, A levels, another miracle happened.
B who also calls me blackhorse lee (talking about that I realise, I’m not a blackhorse, I’m a zebra) asked me something which was damn funny “B i asked u something must answer honestly. Are you Jesus incarnate or something? cause mere mortals dont make miracles every two years?”
Haha well, I’m certainly not Jesus but I definitely got him on my side.
2 March: Results day
Anyway, today, shienling and I met at like 11am at united square for lunch with bryan. Haha we were so planning on being late. The next 4 hours was agony. We were sitting, standing and walking but nothing seemed to make sense with us. Of course poor bryan was bored out of his mind and he ran out of ideas on how to make us less nervous about 2 hours later. so the next 2 hours was pure stoning. Well, it kinda went like this for me.
resignation -> nervousness -> close to tears -> banging my head against bryan’s shoulder -> wanting to bite bryan -> stone -> resignation ->cycle carries on.
You should hear how bryan described how we were. totally funny. I admit, shienling and I were in a mess.
So we skipped the PAC part where the principal addresses the cohort. At about 2+ christine said that the principal was done talking so I called my sister to pick us up from novena (cause nervous shienling insisted that we walked from united square to novena square just to use the 2nd floor toilet)
Smses and calls were coming in, which i selectively picked up, my sister was laughing at shienling cause once she drove into the school shienling was in the backseat going like “oh shit”. on our way there gary called me up to ask us to come down quick…cause everyone had already taken their results. shienling and i were evaluating what it meant when he said the class did well. We were going like “shit, if it’s 50% means we’re the 50%. ARGH…” bryan: -.- <- this guy couldnt take us anymore.
So we pulled up next to the TDC, cars were honking but we couldnt give a shit anymore.
At that moment, there were like a few people i thought of. Jax, Lala, chichi. Weird right? I suddenly thought about how this was same the day, 4 years ago lala jax and I first stepped into heart of God church. Weird thought to be having but suddenly I felt so much more comforted. But the comfort didnt last for long lah. I stepped in and some of the class were standing around having that 😀 on their faces. I was like, oh no, what if I cry and make them feel so bad for being happy later! So Ms ana was so excited to let us see our marks. I asked bryan to help me see them first but ms ana said she wanted me to see them first and practically shoved them in my face. I was like “NONONO I DONT WANNA SEE” -cover eyes- she was like, “no, look! it’s good! it’s not bad!” I looked at it and I was like… *took a while to register* “OH MY GOSH!” then hugs followed. Shook ms narindar’s hands when she congratulated me. the next few minutes were a blur.
Spoke to a few teachers after that, mr seah, mr chong and mr glascow. Haha mr glascow did a little dance as promised and it’s on facebook now 😀 HAHAHA.
After that shienling, Bryan and I left CJ and went to buy bryan ice cream as his reward for putting up with us and having to carry that heavy bright sparks bag. “Mum, which uni u applying to ar? so I can throw away the rest” But i would say bryan and mr chong hit it off rather well. LOL. two bearded and mustached people.