Yesterday, BTO applications were out and we (or rather I) flipped flopped between Kallang and Bedok. YES! For all those who I have yet tell (including my parents), we are bto-ing!
I’ve always said that wanted a proposal before BTO-ing, but sigh, practical life took over ): because Pee was the one that suggested BTO-ing since boyfriend didn’t want to suggest in fear of stressing me out. When Rach heard that her reaction was,”Can you be more girl and give him chance to ask?!”. Aye, good bto > dreams > social norms. We live in practical Singapore, it’s not every 4 months we get a good bto. WHO SAYS GIRLS CANT BE MORE PROACTIVE (Go for it all the girls out there, but don’t fight with me for bto space pls).
SO ANYWAY. The thing is, the BTOs for this round were really good with all sites being NEXT to the MRTs. On top of that, we had the 2km advantage for both Kallang and Bedok. You see, how to choose like that.
After countless flip-flopping and consultation with people, I finally decided to go with Bedok. He had wanted Bedok right from the start, partially because he had grown up there all his life, but I was adamant about Kallang. Over the past few weeks/months, I started giving Bedok a chance and yesterday I had a change of heart. I’m fortunate that I have a boyfriend, who doesn’t insist on his way and knows I’ll be all stressed out over these kind of things. Being the maximiser in this relationship, it’s difficult for me to come to a decision.
In logic, Kallang was the better choice, value-wise. However, something in my heart told me Bedok was the right choice. After we had decided firmly on Bedok, he told me he’s never felt so confident about doing something with someone before. *heartmelts*
But knowing I was the more cautious one, he asked me to think it through and make sure I was sure I wanted to go with this BTO with him. I like that he knows me this well. I would love to say, YES I AM CONFIDENT ABOUT YOU in a heartbeat, like him, but he knows I’m not that kind. I’m a worrywart and I’ve seen cases of people close to be not going through with their BTO even after putting down their deposits. So, naturally, I was worried and he knew.
This is what I love about him. I’m blessed with a boyfriend that gives me the space to panic and gives me the space to flip flop my decisions. He never tries to force his agenda on me. He’s that constant in my life that I know will always still be there whatever I choose and whenever I choose. I did have a mini panic moment yesterday. I started to get scared. What if he wasn’t the one? What if we get into this irreconcilable quarrel one day? What if we decided we wanted different things in life? How do I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?
Then I realise the reason why I was panicking was the same as why I didn’t give Bedok a chance initially. I was scared of the unknown. I grew up in the west, moved to the central and now I had to move to the east. The east has always been this confusing and foreign place to me. Marriage life, life as a couple, having my own family was unknown to me as well (as to him).
But then I thought about why I gave Bedok a chance in the end. Apart from what Rach said about it being more neighbourhood (The NSK in me never dies), I could imagine raising a family there. I knew however confusing or scary or foreign that place was, he’ll be there with me to figure this whole thing out.
I thought about that and realised that this is the man I wanted to be with the rest of my life. I thought about every moment in our relationship, the very good and the very bad. At every point of our relationship, every trial and triumph, there was never a time he let go of my hand. There was never a time either of us genuinely wanted out. He has always inspired confidence. He’s the man who I know will do anything for me. I want to journey through life with him. I thought about the times when we had to carry each other through tough times and the times when we shared breakthroughs and wins. The times when our heart ached for each other, the times when our hearts burst with pride for each other and all those other times in between when life was just mundane.
I cannot imagine going through them with anyone else other than this best teammate.
So am I still scared? Yea, of course. But I think I’m more excited.
Even if this bto doesnt go through, I think I’ve gained something. I know what, or who, I want.
Thanks for making this step with me ❤